So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Randomize
