tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
