your parents love me but you hate me
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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