just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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