I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Randomize
