Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
my liver is dry heaving
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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