Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
