I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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