she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
