the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
