So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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