I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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