how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
