I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
