Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
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