the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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