According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
