So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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