In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
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