Got a toothbrush?
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I just want to make out with him forever
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
