my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
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