Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
