my sisters under your porch take her home
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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