I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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