sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
50% drunk capacity currently
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
