you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
