Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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