I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
