Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
