Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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