i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
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Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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