so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Randomize
