Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Randomize
