Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
