Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Randomize
