could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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