No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
