She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
