I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
