I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
