don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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