I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Randomize
