She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Randomize
