ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Randomize
