It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
