he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
