So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Randomize
