i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
either way he was missing a nipple.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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