The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Randomize
