I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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