Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Randomize
