nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
