??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
