drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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