Non-Jews are for practice
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
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