I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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