Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
