And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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